Sleepless

There are those nights when my brain simply won't shut down. I lie there staring at the ceiling turning situation after situation over in my head. It's like having a moving projector without an Off switch running constantly. Thoughts, ideas and worries all flicker past my conscious leaving me exhausted but wide awake.

I have spoken to the doctor about the problem. She prescribed a mild sedative and, for the most part, it works. Last night was not one of those nights. I don't think I managed to fall asleep until well after 2 a.m.

Some people keep dream journals. I've been thinking of starting my own "can't sleep" journal. As if writing down all the minutia sifting through my head might dislodge it and therefore help me sleep. I don't know. At this point, I am desperate enough to try just about anything.

And I do realize that a lot of this is me reacting to what was a difficult year. I know that there are bigger and better things ahead for me. At least, I hope there are. I also fully realize a lot of my consternation is a direct result of my own fears and insecurities that I just need to get the hell over.

I promised myself when I headed down this road I would not allow myself to get overly cautious or complacent. I have fallen headlong into both. I know full well that, in this life, part of living it is having my heart broken. But at this point, the poor thing is held together with duct tape, Bandaids and paper clips. I feel so ridiculously fragile I feel like I just can't put myself out there again. And I've got to get the hell over that too.